I instantly snapped put of whatever anger or whatever was going on and judt dropped to me knees
Welcome back everyone… thanks for all that read and followed me, it’s definitely appreciated… so I left off at 16 for a reason this is where things get….. interesting I guess LOL… let me also state before I start that during this time I also had boyfriends and girlfriends… and most of them where older than I am, I rarely dated anyone my age… there was one boy I was chasing for many years from like 6-16, but he never found the emotional maturity I needed and I just felt he kept me around for a piece of ass, if we’re being honest… but he was my first love and he had my heart even if he didn’t want it, I couldn’t help how I felt, after trying and trying I knew I had to move on so there was another one who I dated for a couple years and he was just not right in the head he was a crackhead big time (I didn’t know right away I was only 15) and also I ventured into dabbling with things other than just smoking weed occasionally, I remember at 14 walking in on my mom sniffing coke and her telling me to try some with her and it would be our mom and daughter thing, so I did and boy I loved it… it became a huge addiction for me… I was so miserable in all aspects of my life with the boyfriend I had who again I thought I loved but treated me so bad… my mom was on coke and eventually developed a huge crack addiction and just wasn’t very engaging with me and I started feeling like anything and everything always came before me but coke, man the way that made me feel… I hated being home so much if I wasn’t home I was at a friend’s house, taking care of her three kids, my cousins (one of whom I literally help raise) while she was battling her addiction and dabbling in prostitution… but at least I was at her house making sure her children were taking care of, up for school, fed, but also dealing with my own demons… but she also knew what was going on at home and told me I always had a place with her, I really am grateful for her, through everything even looking back feeling like maybe she too was using me she was a grown ass woman having a 14 year old take care of her kids so she could do what she wanted but maybe I was using her too as an escape to get away, I was reckless though I would get on the internet and give out my address to people of they could just come pick me up and take me over there or to another friend’s house and most of the time I got those rides, just always had to pay the person, ass, gas or grass, no one rides for free right 😔 I was taken advantage of many times, but I shouldn’t of put myself in those positions, I was just looking for escapes… it was getting harder and harder to live… my mom was trying to set me up on dates with her coworkers and it just wasn’t making me happy, but coke it at least made me feel numb to a lot of things… I met a friend through my boyfriend broke up with him a little before my 16th birthday but started dating this girl he introduced me to… that didn’t go very far but through her I met some other people they were all like 24, 28, 26, and 22 I was 16… and the 24 year old guy came over a little bit and was helping garden my mom’s bushes… they were all just friends at this point but I remember my mom coming home and seeing him gardening and she was like, “oh wow, you can just move right on in” he laughed and was like “where would I sleep” she replied with my daughter of course… I was like wait what, and she said she was kidding, three months of him being at the house he proposed to me… three months after meeting me… i was nervous and told my mom and she said well there you go, there’s your out… now you can leave my house… I said yes, I was kinda excited, I didn’t love him but he wanted to take care of me and mom was right, it was my way out… but the day of the wedding came, which was only a few weeks later and that morning I was crying and begging my mom not to make me do this, and she said, “either you marry him, or I’m still signing custody of you over to him,” so I ended up marrying him… I met his very religious family, and I didn’t know that they didn’t know how old I was, until the day of my 16th birthday (so like two weeks after we were married) they apparently thought they were celebrating my 20th birthday when they took me out and I was like I’m not 20 I’m only 16… his mom cried and cried and she just held me and told me she’s so sorry that my mom gave up on me and that no child deserved that… we moved in with his family after my mom threw me out the day after we got married and the rules there were very simple we go to church, I had to get rid of all my clothes and buy new clothes because mine where not modest for a child of God (which was probably very true, my mom bought my clothes and used to tell me if I had a body to flaunt it, great mindset to tell your child 🙄)… so I did everything I was told to do followed instructions like a good girl went to church and listened as they explained how a proper wife was supposed to be and how woman are to be submissive to their husband’s and the man is the one who makes the rules and the woman just follows suit, so I decided then with how sweet his mom seemed that I would try to make this work and I’d be everything they wanted me to be, after all I was a married woman now… I still struggled tremendously with my depression and was still doing coke with my husband here and there (his family didn’t know) but three and a half months later we found out we were pregnant with our first child… my sweet boy… and his mom took me to the health department and when her and I got the results she cried again and kept talking about how I was too young (which I whole heartedly agree with, I was just 16, still a baby)… but I knew he was wanted and I decided even harder to make my marriage work I also made a decision to stop using all drugs and alcohol, I had a little human inside me, I didn’t want to destroy or ruin someone so perfect and innocent… I continued to do everything I was told and listen and obey my husband and submit to my husband and he takes the lead and I follow his direction with his mom’s actual direction of telling him what to do… we moved out and back in several times through out marriage but always ended up back with his parents, see I stopped messing with coke and not only did he not, but he also started getting heavy into pills and gambling, and that’s where all his money was going so bills were always on the back burner… well by the time my son was due to be born we were back living with his parents which I was grateful for, his mom was a nurse and his dad, man … his dad was a great mind (had a short temper occasionally but overall just a good guy, and someone I confided in throughout our whole marriage)… well I went into labor and through my pregnancy I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum, which again I was grateful to have his mom there with me as I also was on bed rest towards the end because my body kept going into preterm labor… when I finally went into labor and the doctors quit stopping in it wasn’t my ex-husband that was by my side, it was my mother in-law… she held my hand and rubbed my back and just was very sweet with me… when my boy was placed into my arms, everything around me got dark and quiet… it was just me and this precious, tiny little human that I created and I was overwhelmed with fear, I was so scared that I was going to fuck him up because I had no idea how to be a parent, I had horrible examples growing up… I just knew I had to protect him at all costs, even with a hovering grandma that always took him from me unless I had to breastfeed or she was at work… 15 months later and our sweet little girl was born, she was born at 32 weeks and her first year of life we were in and out of the hospital and quite a few lengthy stays at Children’s Hospital of the Kings Daughters, during which I was by her side every minute of everyday and my son was off and on between visiting me and staying with grandma so I could be with her… during this time her bond with my son was just growing deeper… throughout the time I was there raising my babies there was favoritism on grandmas part, we all started noticing how when we moved out she’d come and pick up my son all the time and didn’t take my daughter nearly as often, my husband and I had many fights about it… we fought about money and just him constantly belittling me when he would come home from work… he was a firm believer (probably from how he was raised) that the guy is the bread winner and the wife takes care of home and children which was fine with me but I didn’t know that meant that he had almost no interaction with them… if he took them anywhere I was always with so I could take care of them… I tried to get a job and even paid and completed classes to file peoples taxes and when the time came for me to start working at Jackson Hewitt he practically refused to let me work… would tell me that i didn’t need to deal with those kind of people and he was worried that people would harass me at work… all during this time his pill addiction was just getting worse and the things he would say to me where just downright mean and cruel… his favorite threat to make was that he would leave me with nothing and take our children away from me… also I eventually had enough about four years into our relationship and after a fight he took off to his brother’s (three hours away) and stayed gone and didn’t communicate with me hardly at all for months… I ended up cheating on him, with someone who was a close friend… someone who showed me attention and made me feel loved and would come and help me with the kids just because he knew I was exhausted, he would come and watch them for me and let me use his car because I needed to go get food for them and was just very attentive… I fell too hard too fast for this guy and in the long run was left feeling used and like I was just a piece of ass again, an all familiar feeling… I went to his dad and told his dad what was going on and cried like a baby (mind you during this time it was a good eight months that he was gone and I was still living with his parents)… I also managed to get my GED at 19, drivers license, and enroll in college… but I talked to his mom and we decided I needed to tell my husband, I told him and explained how I was feeling and like he abandoned me and his drug and pornography addiction was taking a huge toll on me and that I had cheated and how sorry I was and we decided to work on our marriage, his mom then told me i needed to tell our church, which I did (I knew I needed to make things right with God and my husband) so he agreed to get help for his addictions and I went back to just being the good domesticated housewife… my babies where taken care of… and then we moved out again, I was 21 and I started not feeling so well in my lady bits, sex was to the point I was crying everytime but if I tuned my husband down I was disobeying God because my body is my husband’s and his is mine… so I decided to go see a doctor and after months of testing we found out I had Cervical Cancer, and it was pretty aggressive… we tried hormone therapy for a few months with zero results (I found out why years later), I also had chemotherapy treatments over the course of six months I believe and also 12 doses of radiation… I was so sick all the time and didn’t feel that great, ended up losing all my hair which was another devastating blow to my self confidence, but I still tried… We were living alone and I drove myself to and from my chemo treatments, slept a lot unfortunately but still made sure I fed the kids and would try my hardest to play with them again without much help from my husband (I did also have custody of my teenage cousin at the time, that I mentioned earlier, and unfortunately she picked up A LOT of my slack during that time, which I regret so much… my in-laws had also bought land and started building a log home that we all helped in building and his mom knew what was going on as we were pretty close and she would help take care of me during the times I was there… we ended up deciding to move out there on the same street just a few houses down and that’s when I started realizing my husband’s pill addiction not only was still there but was getting worse… after moving out there I lost my support system I was hours away from friends and family and was with my husband (and not often because he was still working in Norfolk and VA Beach which was hours away so he wouldn’t always come home and was gone for weeks at a time sometimes), my kids, and my inlaws… we also ended up losing our car because he stopped paying the car note, so there went my transportation, but he still had his truck 🙄, and my phone also got turned off… so I was completely alone… no help no communication with anyone except for on Wednesdays when my mother in law would pick me up for church… I ended up having a horrible incident with my son, that I’m not proud of but if I’m telling my story I will tell it truthful because this is a part of my story… I was home with the kids hadn’t talked to anyone or anything in awhile, my husband had been gone for two weeks at this time and I asked my son to clean his room he screamed and yelled at me that he didn’t want to and I told him that I didn’t care what he wanted it was time to clean up and as I was closing the door he picked up a glass snow globe and threw it at the door… I don’t know what happened to me but I snapped, I became overly angry and slammed the door back open and went over to him and kicked him…
I instantly snapped out of whatever anger or episode I was having and just dropped to my knees and started crying and rocking my son until he fell asleep, I laid him in his bed (my daughter was already sleeping), and I locked myself in the room… my mother in law came over that night to check on us and I was an awful mess… I asked her to call the police on me and broke down and told her I needed help… she asked me what happened and I told, she immediately went to check on my son and came back in my room a little while later and said he was fine and called my husband and told him he needed to come home immediately… she held my and told me it was okay and everything was going to be okay… when my husband got there we told him what happened and she told him I’m to no longer be without a phone because I’ve I’m feeling overwhelmed or anything I should be able to reach out to someone and then said she would come by everyday to make sure me and the kids were okay and that every weekend no matter what he was to come home… i reached out and found a therapist, at that time I hadn’t been to therapy since I was a teenager but knew needed to work on myself… I also reached out to the church we were going to and got heavily involved there to just give me something to do and to let me interact with people… my husband’s pill addiction was just getting worse and worse it was harder and harder for him to pay bills and his parents were covering what he was short and then again he stopped coming home again and when he was home we fought so much and were ugly to each other… I again four years after my first affair, had another one with a guy from church… this was only a one time thing but my mother in law came the next morning while the guy was still there… I could tell she was angry with me… she took the kids down to her house and told me to walk down in a couple of hours because we all needed to talk… again we talked with the pastor of this church as well, as my husband and I were in therapy with him every Sunday after church for the addictions that were getting worse… he told us we needed to work through this, that my husband could divorce me if he didn’t want to work on anything because I had an affair thats the only thing acceptable got divorce in God’s eyes… he wanted to work and I wanted him to get help for the drugs so the Pastor said he’d help us… he found a rehab facility a few hours away that they would help pay for I just needed to take him, due to this we lost the house we were living in and moved back in with my in-laws (I was 24, just for timeline purposes LOL) but if it meant him getting clean and us being a family without the presence of any drugs or anything then it was worth it to me… in the meantime I was also working on a lot of my issues in church groups and therapy, working through some of my childhood traumas, and was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, OCD, and Body Dysmorphic Disorder so man did we have some work to do… but it was worth it to me… so we set everything up for me to take him he had some loose ends to wrap up and was gone a couple of days to finish dome repairs and when he came back I drove him out there, we talked about where we wanted this marriage to go and everything in between, when we finally arrived I said my goodbyes and everything… that night after arriving at home, I got a phone call saying I needed to come pick him up immediately because he was being kicked out due to violating their no drug policy… I was furious… I told his mom what happened and explained to her that I could no longer be with her son… I didn’t love him, I have tried to force myself to for years but it just wasn’t there and that I couldn’t handle his drug addiction anymore… she understood I guess but said that we just needed to separate and I needed to pray harder for him but of course he needed to leave the home but me and the kids could stay… so that’s what I did for a little while… I got a job at our local 7-11 worked for a phone first so I could get back in touch with my friends and family… and during this time things started to feel different with my mother in law… I was talking to one of my best friends and told her what was going on and she agreed to let me and the kids come live with her until I could get back on my feet… when I told my mother in law she was furious (I think it’s because she likes to control things and be in control and she was finally starting to lose that control over me)… but she said that divorce wasn’t necessary and I didn’t need to leave her home and everything but I knew in my heart I was done… I couldn’t keep staying in a broken, loveless, highly abusive relationship… what example was I showing my children, they deserved so much better… so then after she realized she wouldn’t be able to change my mind, she started talking seriously to me about plans… and I talked with the kids, who were now 6 and 7, and explained as best I could what was going on… my son stated he didn’t want to come with me, he wanted to stay with grandma, I was heartbroken but she made sense of it and said he’s halfway through the school year and to just let him stay and finish the school year and he could come back to me after the school year was done (with of course me still being able to visit whenever I wanted and him coming to visit us as well), and I thought that made some sense, also was thinking he just lost me and his dad being a family, and was losing his stability, I didn’t want to take his grandma from him when other than me, she’s been the one constant in his life… my daughter however refused and said she was coming with mommy, so when my friend came to pick us up she went with me and my boy stayed with his grandma… I found a job at another 7-11 almost immediately and just tried to settle in my new life, walking my daughter to and from school, doinf girls days and getting our nails done,, and movie night, and trips to to ocean breeze, while still taking care of my cousin, trying to keep them entertained, and also trying to pick myself up… now during this time I ran into my first crush (remember the guy I told y’all about way back that was older then me but oh so pretty 😍 🤣) at the bank I was at with my friend… then one morning at work he walked in for his morning coffee before work and every morning there after… until he got the courage to ask me out… here I was 25 and he was just brought back to my life and we kept running into each other repeatedly and come to realize we lived literally five houses down from each other lol… I know legally I was still married but we were separated for a few months with no intentions on getting back together and I just went for it… I was still seeing my son quite regularly went to soccer games, ate lunch with him at school, and had him some weekends or I stayed with them some weekend, I ended up having to sign a paper giving my mother in law guardianship because the school needed it with me living two hours away and him staying with her, now behind my back she went to the courts and got immediate custody of him by telling the courts I abandoned him and she had no address for me and didn’t know where I was… I had no idea until she then filed for custody of my daughter after I talked to her and she said I should move back in with my mom for a little while also during this my cancer levels again became elevated and I was going in for multiple biopsies and surgeries with them having to remove the cells … she was granted custody due to the fact that she already had custody of my son and the siblings needed to be raised together (that was when I found out she had custody of my son)… since that day I had zero contact with her, she stopped returning my calls or even answering for me in general… my cancer came back, I was having issues with my boyfriend, and then I ended up having a blood clot in my lung and they needed to take 25% of my lung because the blood clot killed part of my lung…. so cool yeah me! I ended up quitting my job during all this because I was too sick to work and i got into a severe severe depression…. my babies were taken from me… things in my love life didn’t seem to be working out but I knew he had love for me i just didn’t know what to do… tried going to court for visitation but was denied repeatedly because I had no job and was living with my mom….
Well, a couple years flew by the boyfriend and I were able to make things work and realized we are who the other person wanted… our life was better together and he just wanted to love me and tske care of me the way I deserved (his words 🥰) after talking with the doctors they told us that me getting pregnant again could save my life… that the amount of hormones released in your body while pregnant could be enough to kick this cancer in its ass and also said that if I could even get pregnant I would know that the cancer was gone because I couldn’t get pregnant while having cervical cancer…. so after a long discussion, he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me and this was him making that commitment to me… we got pregnant the very first try and after all the darkness I was feeling and everything I was doing to myself this baby brought me back to life… I felt purpose in my life again I put down the cigarettes that I had started smoking since everything happened and haven’t touched one since, my Jodi girl, she truly saved my life… and we all got a little place together, I finally after years of trying to get my husband to file for our divorce decided to stop waiting and listening to all the excuses as to why he couldn’t do it and I filed myself… got my divorced and made things official with my honey (still crazy to me after all these years, and everything I’ve been through, that my path has led me to this amazing man, literally the man of my dreams, my first crush)… he always has stood by me he knows my life story and what I’ve been through, and helps me daily with trying to reach out to my other two children, with of course no response… so, I dedicated my life to my daughter in raising her, being by her side for everything and every moment, I kind of hogged her from the world because I wasn’t letting anyone or anything take another baby from me… she was my saving grace and man did she bring me back to life… my honey did his damnedest to take care of us, got us a house, me a vehicle, and is such an amazing provider it was a blast of fresh air and to see him with our daughter melted my heart, he was so hands on and just played with her and interacted with her he just fulfilled every dream I had… two years after I ended up having a small stroke, it messed up a couple spots on my brain, I had speech issues that took awhile to come out of and I still struggle with now if I’m having a migraine or severely stressed, but it was scary… being locked in my brain and not being able to communicate was frightening and even my honey was freaking out… was in the hospital in ICU for a few days before being sent home and just slowly got better with now these new title ticks we had to learn and we did… about a year later I got pregnant again, we decided it was time if we wanted to give Jodi a little sibling now was a perfect time….
We got pregnant the week of my birthday and I was so overly happy…. I would be finishing my family and was even more ecstatic because we found out we were having a boy, and my honey was even more excited, FINALLY he was getting a boy… it was a hard pregnancy had a subchorionic hematoma at 10wks that was discovered after some bleeding… but was told it would go away on its own… then had my 20wk appointment, and heard the worse news I’ve ever heard in my life, “I need to go get your doctor, I can’t find the heartbeat,” I was panicking and freaking out just waiting on the table for my doctor to come in… when he did he reassured me that it could be position of the baby or he could be hiding so he was gonna take a look…. and when he did he said there is a heartbeat but it’s extremely faint and he was making me an appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine in a couple days but in the meantime I was put on complete bed rest and told to eat and drink lots of water, so thats what I did… Valentine’s Day morning, the doctors at EVMS brought me back for my ultrasound and while I was in the table the tech left again and came back with two doctors and they confirmed to me and my husband that our Brody boy’s heart had stopped beating and i broke and completely lost it, my honey held me and we cried so hard, we then had to go into a room where they went over so many options with me… I broke again and just completely lost it… My baby was dead inside me, my body had failed not only me, but him as well, what could I have done differently, is something wrong with me, did I do this to him… These are the questions I asked myself every single night and sometimes still do… they seemed to try and encourage me to get a D&C procedure done but I knew I couldn’t do… I stand firm and told them I wanted to have him naturally and birth my boy, I didn’t want him scrapped out if me, we were halfway done with my pregnancy and I wanted him to come as naturally as possible… was also told by one of the MFM doctors that she wanted to test me for something called Prothrombin Thrombophilia and I opted to have other testing done on myself and an autopsy to try and figure out what happened to him… February 18th I had a laminara procedure, where they put these wooden rods inside you, it was the most excruciating pain 8ve ever experienced in my life, they are meant to help open your cervix, and because I was only 20wks my body would definitely need help going in to labor, the doctor wanted to put in 5 and I could only bare 4 before I was screaming in pain, they gave me morphine before I left the hospital and sent me home to rest before my big procedure the following day… So I went home had the worse crampes of my life and slept all night… The next morning at 10am I arrived and checked in to the hospital and by 1pm they had removed the Lam’s, and gave me my first dose of Cytotec to help start labor, I also at this time opted for pain management instead of an epidural… Everything was going smoothly until about the end of that medicine, the pain was so severe I was in tears and shaking, the contractions we’re almost unbareable so I decided I wanted an epidural, so before the doctor came in for my next dose of Cytotec she wanted to check me and then get the epidural first before my next dose… I had the pain pump so I pushed the button and she checked me and it intensified the contractions and I was 3cm dilated and the doctor gave me my second dose of Cytotec, right before they came in to give me my epidural I was having a horrendous contraction and started crying and felt my water break, I got my epidural pretty quickly and within a half hour of getting that second dose the doctor came in to check me and told me my son was already coming down and it was time to push… I pushed one big time and my son was born, perfect in every way but just lifeless 😔 I held my baby for a few hours, just taking every part of him in (I noticed how he had his daddy’s legs, and his daddy’s skintag that he had on his side, how he had his daddy’s feet and long toes, he was just the spitting image of Jeff and I was in awe) this was the moment I knew I needed, I knew that I could not say goodbye to him until I first said hello… then the moment came after his pictures and everything that I had to say goodbye and fill out all the paperwork for his autopsy and his death certificate, plus get all my bloodwork done… those first couple weeks were some of the hardest weeks we had to go to funeral homes and pick out urns and do so much that we didn’t know about and after that my life became very dark… I didn’t want to leave the bed, I was in a complete and utter depression, my little daughter would come in the room and just lay in bed with me and cuddle me while we would watch movies… I knew for her I couldn’t just stay down like this it wasn’t fair to her and my son was looking down on mr and wouldn’t want me to be like this, so I vowed for him to live everyday with as much happiness and I can and to be the very much mother I could be because that would honor him and Jodi deserved nothing but the best… it was her that helped again pull me out of the darkness where I was contemplating suicide and just didn’t want to live… instead I had this beautiful little girl who had no ides what was going on she was only 2 but she just stayed by my side… so I got put of bed and started getting back to our normal routine… A few more weeks went by and I got all the tests results back… Brody had died because of multiple blood clots that formed in the placenta and one of those blood clots was over the umbilical and blocked it off so he couldn’t get any nutrients or anything, tests also came back that I did intact have the Prothrombin Thrombophilia gene and that was ultimately the cause of his death (its basically a blood clotting disorder), now what surprised me was that with this diagnosis it means that I can’t have anything with estrogen (which is why the hormone therapy didn’t work on me), it explained my stroke, and even explained me loosing my little boy… without this diagnosis most people end up passing away due to a blood clot in their lung or heart, so I feel like he saved my life… he is forever my angel and watches over me and protects me and however little time there was he impacted my life… I felt him move inside me, I held him, I birthed him and in the end he saved my life…
Then three months later I got pregnant again.. I was terrified every time I went to the bathroom, I was constantly checking to see if I was bleeding… every ultrasound I was looking for the heartbeat just to make sure it was there… I was paranoid my whole pregnancy along with taking blood thinner injections in my stomach everyday to make sure no blood clots formed for her, I was a complete nervous wreck… this pregnancy was the hardest on my body and as happy as my honey was we decided that this was enough and we weren’t going to have anymore… I went into labor with her at 33wks but even though she was my hardest pregnancy, she was my easiest delivery… no pain medication, not long pushing, when I arrived at the hospital I was already 9cm dilated and crowning… made it just in time and within 45 minutes my little girl was here… the day before Thanksgiving!
She was in the NICU for a few weeks before she was able to come but when she did, we were over the moon… our family was together and whole, and we were completed… however my older babies weren’t with me and there was still a hole in my heart… then paperwork comes in the mail and it turns out my ex mother in law is now trying to adopt my children, claiming I’ve abandoned them and she’s been there taking care of them… I never abandoned them I still tried with courts, phone calls, writing letters always with no response… my ex-husband called me one day and said, “hey, I have our son do you want to meet me at Walmart so you can see him?” Of course I dropped everything, my honey kept our girls and just said go be with your boy… seeing him for the first time in six years was amazing and full of so many emotions, he is so tall and is literally my spitting image… he came back to the house and met his sisters for the first time and the girls got to meet him and they just played and he met Jeff and they joked around a little and it was just amazing… a few more times of seeing him and eventually my oldest daughter came too and my heart was just completely full… I brought the girls with and was just overwhelmed with emotions having all my kids together… they knew I was trying to reach out but was being blocked and we just had so many heart to heart talks and I was able to hug them and tell them I loved them… court came I was told by the guardian at litem that if I agreed to the adoption she would still push for me to get some kind of visitation… I bawled like a baby and agreed, here we are now four weeks later and I haven’t heard from my ex-husband or anyone sense… I’m back to square one only this time the adoption was granted so I have no rights… I strongly feel like everything was a work, my ex-husband told me and Jeff that he would still make sure I see my kids and everything and nothing would change with that… but here we are still nothing and no communication… still praying for reconnection, but also grateful I was able to talk to them both and tell them my side and they met their sisters and established a bond, they called me on mother’s day and my boy called me on Brody’s birthday just to tell me he loves me, so I’m getting these little moments here and there and I’m ever so grateful for them… but I’m still here, waiting with my arms open waiting for them…
I wanted to share this stuff first before I got into my actual mom posts because I wanted people to know that everyone’s journey is different and we all go through things, and none of us are perfect… we make mistakes, and Lord knows I’ve made my share, but I’m really trying and learning everyday to be a better human, and trying my damnedest to be the best mom I can be… its hard especially with my past but I’m overcoming those struggles, I’m learning from my mistakes… I’m not pointing blame on anyone just acknowledging these things, and speaking my truth as ugly and as painful as it may be… but the beauty from everything is in the healing, and seeing that I’m not the same person I was back them, hell I’m not the same person I was last week… I’m stronger… I’ve overcome so many obstacles but also still aware that I have more to learn and grow… this isn’t everything that has happened or that I’ve been through but these are a lot of the life changing things that have shaped me and formed me… I’ve learned though to never let these things hold me back or be my excuse in life, but to truly overcome I had to develop the survivor mentality and leave behind the victim mentality it was hard but I also want to say when you are loved correctly by someone and when you can truly learn to love yourself, true growth and healing can begin, nothing is impossible if you believe on yourself and have the one person closest to you believing in you as well… the support my honey gives me and the encouragement is absolutely amazing, he’s been through things in his past as well and we aren’t perfect we have our disagreements but they aren’t anything we can’t overcome, we’ve learned compromise and how to communicate to each other and its a beautiful thing… so in closing please if you’re struggling with insecurities in yourself please look in the mirror and say three things, positive things, about yourself and do it daily (I know it sounds stupid, but i do this and it works overtime), learn to love yourself… also remember to never settle for anything less than what you deserve and a shitty relationship, self degradation, any form abuse is not what anyone deserves… thank you again for listening to me and if you made it all the way through then again thank you so much… I appreciate all of you, you are beautiful, you are kind, and you are important… peace, love, and much happiness to each of you, until next time 🙃😘✌🏼
The Venting Mom 