Want to say sorry to my followers for being gone for so long but unexpected events occurred and I didn’t know how to find myself again, still not even sure if I have 100%. Lost my mom back in November, almost a year now and life seems to be so hard to get and keep together. Most of you have read my story and know about a lot of things I went through but it doesn’t make it any easier being without her. Trying to balance kids, husband, family, friends, and even just myself has been hard on a normal day but having to deal with this grief on top of it is debilitating sometimes, but I’m trying, and I’m learning along the way that as long as you’re trying and you don’t give up then sometimes that’s good enough. We don’t have to be super moms or fearless women all the time. Sometimes, it’s okay to take whatever crown we are wearing off and just simply be in the moment and feel whatever it is that we are feeling. I think it keeps us grounded, makes us human, and humbles us a bit. There is no way one person can do everything all of the time, so taking a moment for yourself even if it’s just to cry in the shower, or take a nap if the opportunity presents itself, or even just to listen to music and vibe out, sometimes those moments can help us to recharge.

I have a really bad habit of staying up way later then I need to, and it irritates my husband quite a bit but what he doesn’t understand is I’m a wife and a mom 24/7, so when the kids are in bed and when he’s in bed, that’s MY time. Finally, I can relax, let my hair down veg in my bed watching my favorite show, or reading a book on my kindle, or sometimes just surfing the web. It’s my time to doe what I want without the demands of tiny children and a grown child too LOL. I don’t think people understand what sensory overload is but I go through it quite frequently, having children constantly pulling, loving, touching, climbing, hitting, and everything in between a long with fifty million demands a day and add to it a husband that wants to grope, grab, touch, squeeze, and who needs his attention too, can sometimes be overwhelming. Now please don’t read this and think I don’t love affection because I absolutely do and I love the love my children and husband give me but sometimes, I’ve reached my limit and I don’t want to be touched anymore, I just want to be myself, I just want to belong to myself, I need that reminder that I am still me, that reminder that before I was a wife and mother I was my own person and she is still apart of me. Thats what my nights do for me, they recharge me for the next morning so I can take the millions of hugs and kisses and everything else I will receive for the next day.

I’ve also noticed then when it’s quiet and I’m all alone at night, I have time to think but also my mind wanders, I know a few of my friends do this too, so if you have this issue it seems to be pretty common. It’s hard sometimes to just turn it off, my brain thinks of fifty million scenarios and even thinks of worse case scenarios lol. I don’t know why but maybe because I don’t take the time to process things until I’m calm and still and take those moments for myself. I don’t know what it is but it also makes for sleepless nights, and having a husband that tells you to just turn it off cracks me up, he has no idea but I guess he’s trying to offer help and I love that, but do you ever just think to yourself, “shut up, let me vent and just listen instead of trying to find a solution” No, just me? Lol, I love this man with every fiber of my being but he really doesn’t understand how stressful being a stay at home wife and mother can be sometimes, he also doesn’t understand mental health and anxiety issues, he’s trying and I’m helping as much as I can but he isn’t quite there. So that’s also why I wanted to pick this back up, I love blogging and I love the people I’ve connected with through it but I also found that its a good way to get everything out of my head and also vent where I need to. It’s hard out here whether you’re a working mom, stay at home mom, single mom, or even if you are in a relationship it’s still hard no matter, even if it’s the best and most rewarding job on the planet, it’s still difficult we shouldn’t feel shame by saying it and it doesn’t make us any less of a mother or wife for acknowledging the fact. Where else do you have people rely on you on a 24 hour 7 days a week basis for everything needed to keep them happy and alive, of course it’s hard, it’s demanding, it’s time consuming, worth it absofuckinglutely, but it’s what we do, I don’t think we could do it without making time for ourselves once in awhile, and it shouldn’t seem selfish, I say that only because I was a firm believer that “me time” was just me being selfish and putting myself above my children until it dawned on me, you know what every once in awhile its okay to do that.. if a plane is crashing what is the first thing a flight attendant tells you? They tell you to put your oxygen mask on, not your child’s, not your neighbors, but yours. I didn’t understand why until I was older and realized, if I loose all my oxygen and pass out, then how can I help anyone? At least by putting mine on first, I allows me to be able to help those around me. I think this to can be said for “me time.” If you’re tired and burnt out all the time, how are you really helping anyone? Those around you are only getting a limited version of you, they are getting 100%, they’re getting the tired, cranky, agitated version of you and really who wants that? It wasn’t until I learned that, that I became a better me and ultimately a better mom that wasn’t screaming at her kids constantly because I was too tired or too worn out. So again with beating a dead horse lol, I think everyone deserves time for themselves to reflect, decompress, self evaluate, whatever it is that you need. Mom’s need to stop being so hard on themselves and take/make the time for themselves. I feel like I’m rambling now it’s almost 3am and after some disrupted sleep I might actually be ready to go back to bed just wanted to reach back out and share what’s been on my heart and mind… if it feels like this post is all over the place it probably most certainly is as these are the ramblings of a tired momma.. goodnight to you all and remember to love each other! 😴✌🏽