My story…

Hey everyone and welcome to my page and my very first blog post 😱 I wanted my first ever post to be a little intro about myself so my viewers can have a way to possibly relate more to me… So I’m gonna start with my childhood and work my way through my life… hold on tight guys, this is where things start to get… uhm, interesting 🤷🏻‍♀️

So, in the beginning God created the heavens and the earth… LOL… just kidding we aren’t going that far back 😅  but I want to talk about my childhood because I am a mom with some mental health issues and would like to talk about where that started… I’ve never really talked in depth about these things to anyone other that like those closest to me and my therapists… but after thinking about it for such a long time I realized what good is keeping that stuff to myself, how is that helping anyone, and what if my story can really help other someone else, so thats what brought me here to tell my story and then of course talk about the joys, trials, tribulations, annoyances, love, and many may other feelings that come with being a stay at home mom recovering from a few mental health issues… things will get heavy and I apologize in advance if anything triggers anyone putting this out there now that my blog will contain things about rape, molestation, and the loss of a child… so if these are too much or triggers for you then this might not be the place for you… with that being said, here we go…

As a child I had from the outside what seemed like your typical family… my mom had small jobs here and there just to keep her busy (and later in my life found out it they were to feed her drug habits)… my dad was in the navy and was away for sometimes 6-7months at a time… and I had my brother, my lifeline, my protector, my sometimes even savior through a lot, but was also out of the home due to behavioral issues and other things (but only family knew that)… on the inside I was miserable, I even remember being 6 years old and playing dress up and hearing how ugly I am by someone who should never tell their child these kinds of things and just feeling completely destroyed and not knowing if I wanted to live anymore, at six years old my confidence was already being destroyed… when dad wasn’t home my mom never interacted with my brother and I, we were very much raised with her concept of  holden can raise themselves and need to figure things out for themselves… there were multiple guys over at whatever home we lived in (we bounced around quite a bit because while dad was serving our country and sending money home for bills, mom was spending all the money and not leaving anything for us for food or bills)… I wanted to give a little back story before talking about my first memory… I was two, my brother and I were with some guy that was babysitting us… I was laying on top of him while I guess he was trying to get me to take a nap, I looked over at my brother and he was under the blanket on the other couch with another little girl and I guess they were sleeping (found out later that they were not)… but I remember this guy taking my diaper off and using me and my body to rub on himself… I remember him putting his fingers in me and me just screaming in pain… that is my very first memory… it still is with me today and especially when I go to sleep… that isn’t the first time or even the worse thing that’s ever happened to me but this is the very first thing I can remember…

Now, so much happened when dad was gone and so many guys around that apparently felt because they were with my mom then that meant they had access to me as well… my brother stepped in a few times when he would see these men having me on the floor at 4, 5, 6, 8 naked and these men ontop of me and I remember one time when he came in the room he was yelling and hitting one of my moms boyfriends and the guy smacked him so hard and then tied him up to the corner of our bunkbed and started hitting him and beating him with a belt… it was horrible as I was laying on the floor bleeding from my legs… we would tell mom and he would turn it around to we were being bad and weren’t listening to him and he had to descipline us and mom would tell us we needed to start listening and these things wouldn’t happen (worse thing to tell a victim of any kind of abuse, let alone sexual abuse)…

Things weren’t exactly “hunky dory” when my dad was home however the guys were gone… so that in itself was a huge fucking comforg for me… but he was aware of mom’s addiction and also all the cheating that was going on while he was out to sea (also that we were leaving in a different home then when he left and almost all our belongings were gone) there was so much anger… i witnessed so much physical abuse between them and at times it was horrible and just not the environment any child should ever be apart of, but here I was… just a little girl… thinking this was all normal… my brother would also get protective of our mom and anytime he did, the abuse would turn on him… any time he would mess up in school or anywhere the abuse would turn on him… I had a very hard time understanding what was going on, I just knew for me if I didn’t get in trouble and was good in school then I wouldn’t get hit… I tried… I tried really hard to be as good as I could… overall I think I was a decent kid but I had my slip ups and boy was I quickly reminded to not have those again, from pulling my hair, to smacking me all over from my face to my legs to my stomach, I just learned to stay quiet and it will all be over soon… my dad and mom split up and got back together quite a few times growing up and one big time in particular he was gone for almost a year and my brother and I would visit him on the weekends at at one point we moved in with him… well he had this friend that would come by or sometimes we would visit and I don’t know how but if we spent the night he would come in my room and put his hands over my mouth and tie me down to my bed with the shirts from my dresser and would just have his way with me… it happened over and over, I remember the apartments we lived in I ran away and went to my friends house and told her mom what was going on and she hid me in her daughter’s toy box when my dad drove down the street looking for me… she didn’t tell him I was there and called the cops… of course CPS came to the house but nothing was ever done besides my brother being removed from the home for his “behavioral issues” and us having to do family counseling, and back out to sea dad went…

Then back to different guys being around and holding me down with their hands over my mouth while they were raping me or touching on me over and over… waking up going to school and coming home to these things happening to me… babysitters hurting me in unimaginable ways and injecting my brother with heroine needles in his knees and legs at like 9 or 10 and the cops being called but always nothing ever happened, there was no rescuing us… it was just awful, I remember numerous trips to the police station talking with detectives and having cloth dolls trying to describe to them what the difference between a good touch and a bad touch is…

Then when I was 11 we moved to a nice little house (I still miss that house, and drive by there quite frequently) and my mom was babysitting a little baby girl (that happened to be the nice of my friend in the nrighborhood)… he dad would come pick her up and I would just stare at him in awe (he was a beautiful man, the first guy I have ever looked at and been like wow, men come like this 😍) but I was 11 and he was like 22 or 23 and he paid me no mind at all except for when he’d come pick up his daughter and tap me on the head saying, “awe how are you little Skye?” 🙄🙄🙄 ugh I hated it but loved it too hahahahaha… his family knew a little of what was going on at home and his mom was always really kind to me but also school was hard, i had serious insecurity issues, I was completely dorky with antique looking glasses, I was just a hot mess… while we were at this house I made quiet a few friends that I still have to this day, and also that guy, well just remember him,  he comes back into this story at a much later time in my life… my dad ended up retiring while we were living here and we were moving back to where I called home in Tennessee (growing up we visited there quite often, that’s where my paternal grandparents lived and the only time in my childhood I felt the safest)… I was 13 and we were moving after I finally made the deepest friendships and my best friend that I had since I was a little girl (Trina, if you read this I love you)… I was devastated, but also eager for a new start and to be away from everyone that had hurt me and looking forward to the fact that my brother was coming home for good, I was so happy about that… so we made the move…

Everything was amazing and life seemed to be getting better… my mom and dad seemed to be getting along, there was no fighting or anything for a very long time… I made a friend instantly who became like my missing hip (Crystal, if you’re reading this I love you girl)… then slowly the fighting started again, the beating on my brother started again, only this time I witnessed it and saw my dad throw my brother across the room and his head hit the dresser… I went back downstairs to tell mom and she was sitting in her rocking chair eating her bowl of popcorn just laughing (I guess at the TV, but I know she could hear what was going on, she just seemed not to care)… I used Crystal’s house as my escape, I always wanted to be at her house or wanted her over at mine because I at least knew if she was around everything would be okay… and then I remember dad telling me that I needed to make new friends outside of Crystal and I couldn’t spend as much time with her anymore… I was again destroyed… then one weekend I was watching TV with my dad and I don’t know what happened but he started touching on me very inappropriately, I remember it was my time of month and I could feel him rubbing on my pad and I started tearing up, I got up and ran into the bathroom and just cried… I couldn’t understand how the one person, the one man that I thought would never hurt me like that was doing this to me… I stayed in the bathroom for a couple hours until I heard him snoring and creeped out and went upstairs into my room, I didn’t sleep at all that night and waited until morning took my shower and left early to go to the school bus… when I got to school the first thing I did was look for Crystal and I just cried and told her what happened… she wanted to go tell someone but with my experience I didn’t think that would do anything and also with all the physical abuse and everything we experienced growing up, I was terrified, and also I loved my daddy 😢 “was that wrong? How could I still love him after everything that he’s done to me? What’s wrong with me?” These were some of the questions I was battling with myself and sometimes still do… but Crystal told me she wouldn’t say anything this time, but if anything like that happened again she made me promise I would tell her and she would go with me to turn him in… well low and behold that following weekend it happened again on this time I wasn’t on my period anymore and he was rubbing on me and inside my shorts and everything… I freaked out and froze…. I thought because it had been a week or so that maybe what happened before was an accident, maybe his hand slipped and everything was “normal” again… again the next day I broke i don’t think I looked for Crystal but she came to me and just knew instantly something was and what that something was… I remember her telling me let’s go talk to the teacher and I went and then it was the guidance counselor, then the cops showed up, and I was just extremely emotional because I knew what was going to happen and I just felt like the biggest piece of shit in the world… my mom came and picked me up from school they told her and she seemed to actually care, she held my hand and told me everything would be okay…

I remember coming home and instantly calling all my family and telling them and just wanting someone to come pick me up and take me out of there… I didn’t want to be there at all anymore and didn’t want to be around any of them but no one could help… my mom’s parents eventually did, my dad was arrested and did a year in jail (only a year because my mother wouldn’t let me testify 🙄🙄🙄) and my maternal grandparents bought my mom a house and moved us back to Virginia… I was looking forward to finally being away from the abuse and having my mom to myself with no guy or anything like that around…. that didn’t last too long before she had someone move in, I was so upset and angry… I tried to kill myself for the first time by taking all the pills in both the bathrooms, that didn’t work and I had to be rushed to the ER to have my stomach pumped… I then started stealing from this guy and just overall being a disrespectful little shit, mom was again leaving me alone to go be with this guy and another guy days after coming home from the hospital… it wasn’t until I was 15 I was trying to help take care of my cousins while their mom was an addict and couldn’t care for them that I had an incident where my little cousin did something and I smacked his butt and literally had a complete mental breakdown and felt like I had just abused this little boy because I hit him, I grabbed the knife out of the kitchen and gashed my wrists as deep and as hard as I could… I was sent away to a mental hospital for a few weeks and my mom and soon to be step-dad would come on family day and visit…. when I was discharged mom again left to go be with another guy, but my step-dad was there…

I decided in that moment to stop being a dick and go talk to this guy, after all he was going to be marrying my mom and after everything I had done to him he never gave up on me… So I started by apologizing and telling him how I was treating him was unfair to him and he didn’t deserve it… and he responded with, “well, do you know why you been acting like this?” I stopped for a second and told him, “with everything I’ve been through with guys, from the time I was little until recently, i was just wanting my mom, I wanted her to myself but no matter how much I tried she just didn’t want to be with me so I started lashing out.” He just cried (I was completely dumbfounded)… he apologized to me and told me he was sorry for not asking me if it was okay if he moved in and for not asking if it was okay that he married my mom and if I didn’t want him to then he wouldn’t… i was still just in shock… I told him, “I’m just a child those aren’t my decisions to make” and he said, “no, these choices affect you and you should be apart of it…” he then opened up to me about his childhood and all the physical, sexual, mental, and verbal abuse he experienced and we both just sat in the garage crying… thats what opened me up a little bit and broke down some of my walls… he was who I had to open up to, to talk to when no one else would hear me… here was this grown ass man talking to this girl without wanting anything from her, without crossing any lines , just being genuine and loving and that started our amazing father daughter relationship, the one guy in my life that has never stepped over the line with me…

Then I turned 16 and that’s where I’m gonna leave this… my cliffhanger if you will LOL… 16 was something else for me and a completely new chapter for me… so thats where we’ll start the next blog… thanks for those of you that stuck through and read all this, I know it’s long but damn I got a lot to say LOL… thanks for tuning in, be safe and remember to love each other ✌🏼💖💋

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